Graces and Places

(I’m going to preface this post by saying it’s going to be a long post and I may heavily condense it later.)

Life is a gift

I know I haven’t posted anything in a while, and that’s because I’ve been overwhelmed and had a bit of a scare. It was this scare, though, that made me realize even more how blessed I am and how precious life is. I would say I’m 90% recovered, thank God, and working on the 10% with God’s grace and can’t wait to get back to a more regular exercise schedule. I’m also eternally grateful to everyone who had Masses offered for me and prayed for me.

I think I’ve been feeling overwhelmed because while I’ve been recovering, I’ve still been trying to do everything I would normally do, and have to do, at the pace I would normally do it at. I’m learning to slow down a little bit and I’m definitely looking forward to finishing my last semester in a few weeks. Before this scare, I was also already cutting down on the amount of things I was taking on, and realize that I might have taken some of these things on just to keep myself busy. I’ve been thinking a lot about my job and my career lately as well, and want to start pursuing what I believe God has shown me is part of my purpose. I want to use the skills God gave me to help others in my work and serve God. Life is too short to not be doing what you feel called by God to do. There’s a quote (with similar quotes attributed to other people) that goes like this:

“Our life is a gift from God. What we do with that life is our gift to God.”

–Samuel S. Sumner

(Note: I don’t know much about Samuel S. Sumner, so I hope the attribution is correct.)

Life is short, even if we all live to be 100. I just want to give glory to God for all He’s done, including getting me through what happened when I was scared. Even one-time events like these that can just happen can suddenly remind you of a multitude of things, among them that life is short and you have a mission that can help others. I think I’ve waited too long to do this, but I’ll be posting a series of testimonies of the times God gave me more than I deserved and helped my family and I in miraculous ways.

I’ve also been quiet because of a few other things, one of them being that I almost suddenly lost one of my cousins whom I’ve grown up with and of course love. He’s been learning to walk again, and all of this has made my heart feel heavy and again, has made me realize how precious life is, and I thank God for saving him. If you could please pray for him, it would be so appreciated.

Because I’ve been feeling overwhelmed, I feel like I haven’t been able to think and discern as clearly as I would’ve liked to. I was supposed to go to my favorite pilgrimage site with my brother over the summer, but at the last minute, was unable to because the person who was going to help take care of our Dad while we were on pilgrimage was no longer able to due to an emergency. I could tell my brother really wanted to go, though, so I told him he should go and I would stay home to take care of our Dad. I canceled my flights and hotel booking, but (while not blaming my Dad at all) was bummed about not being able to go on this pilgrimage with my brother, as it was something I’ve always wanted to do. I stayed home and on the day I was supposed to fly there, I learned of news about someone I care so much about. I cried and felt heavy-hearted for days. I’ve been having hope and have been praying my heart out for this person and his family. But I’m not sure if this person knows any of this and how much I care about him ever since I felt like God and Our Lady put him on my heart. I’ve only been able to tell God how I feel. I said in prayer one day, a sudden thought which came to my mind from my heart which was never a thought that came to me before for other guys, and that was, “Thank You, God, for creating him.”

Discernment delays

Since then, I’ve been getting this feeling in my heart to go to this pilgrimage site. I felt really called to go there to celebrate my milestone birthday. I wasn’t sure if it was just my wanting to go to this pilgrimage site and if the signs to go that I received were really from God or from the enemy, so I didn’t end up going on my birthday. Then I found something out on my birthday that I’m not sure was just a mere coincidence (because no one knew about my nearly impossible hope and wish for my birthday except for God and I). After finding that out, I kept wrestling with the idea of whether or not I should still go. Even though it seemed as if I was getting signs beforehand to go there and be there on my birthday, I wasn’t sure if it was still God’s will for me to go after my birthday. One of my friends implied that I shouldn’t go, and a week and a half went by as I seemed to be considering my friend’s advice, even though I was praying and asking God what He wanted me to do.

In the meantime, I had a nagging feeling that I didn’t really celebrate my birthday and had felt an urging to go to this pilgrimage site in the weeks and months leading up to it. My friends kept asking me before my birthday what I wanted to do to celebrate, but I couldn’t think of anything else but to go on this pilgrimage. So because of all of this, after a lot of prayer, and realizing I still had flight credits to use, I decided to go so I could spend a decent week there before heading back home.

Aside from the jet lag, I noticed how tired I was flying this time, and this was really evident on my connecting flight. I knew I was tired because I’m still recovering, but by God’s grace, I was able to make it. However, when I got to the pilgrimage site, I started wondering if it was God forbid too late… If something is really from God, can you ever be too late? I’m not going to lie, it’s been challenging my faith and trust in whether or not this is from God—but where do these doubts come from? Doubting God does not come from God. I know faith is believing what we don’t see, and that we must walk by faith and not by sight. I keep reminding myself of these facts, but it’s definitely challenging to see past certain things sometimes, wondering if everything was God forbid for nothing, and then look with your eyes of faith.

Growing in love

Going back to what I learned over the summer, I was tested in a couple of ways recently and am reminded of a quote from C.S. Lewis:

“God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn’t.”

—C.S. Lewis

The thought of God forbid losing the person I care about in any way makes me cry every single time. When I found out about the news, I begged God to save him—and although I have high hopes for his health—if for some reason (God forbid) He decided to take him to Himself sooner than expected, I would rather have been with him than never have been with him at all, even though the thought of God forbid losing him would kill me. This surprised me a little bit because growing up, I tended to try to avoid pain if I could. There was a time I liked someone, but it never went anywhere, and then I found out a few years later that this person had passed away from an illness. This was during my days in university, and I remember almost selfishly thanking God that it never went anywhere because I would’ve been sad. I just thought, “That’s why it never worked out.” I still pray for his soul to this day, though (but not because I have any residual feelings for him or anything). So when a friend (who doesn’t know about this person who passed away) recently suggested that maybe God is protecting me from being hurt by this, I didn’t agree for several reasons. First, because I have more faith and hope about his health and future than that. This news also didn’t make me lose any feelings for him. It only made me want to be with him more and help him in any way that I can. All I’ve been wondering is how he is doing and how I wish I could be there with him and for him. Everything from the start about him was different because I felt like God and Our Lady put him on my heart and I’ve never experienced anything like this before. I’ve also been through some tragic events over the years that made me grow up really quickly.

But in the natural, things are heartbreaking, and it’s an understatement when I say that. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been in tears. I’m trying to have faith, but in my humanness, I keep wondering if I’m delusional and should just give up—not because I want to, but because I’m not sure if I’m supposed to, with everything looking impossible and things seeming to God forbid be going in ways other than I hoped for. But I know nothing is impossible with God. Part of me is asking, “But what is faith for, then?” And the other part of me keeps thinking that if someone wanted to do something, they would’ve done it, right? I know in some instances it’s not as cut and dry as that, but it’s left me wondering if I’m just being delusional. Among some other qualities and characteristics, I’ve always wanted to be with someone who loves me just as much as I love them, who would pursue me and only me, and who would trust and follow God’s lead. Because if you trust God, you won’t fear (I should listen to myself, right). I wish I could tell this person that if there’s any fear, I’m probably more afraid than they are, even to talk to them, but I’d rather overcome my fear than not talk with them at all. I’d rather go through some things together scared than not go through things with them at all. I’m the type of person who would want to talk through everything and support the one I care about through anything. As sappy as it sounds, I have a song that’s been speaking to my heart lately and part of the lyrics are: “I have died every day waiting for you, darling, don’t be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years, I’ll love you for a thousand more” … and I wish the entire song were about me just as much as I feel it for this person.

God’s love

Maybe I’m too much of a romantic and a dreamer. My definition of love is one modeled after Jesus’ love for all of us—it’s true, faithful, unconditional, sacrificial, selfless, giving, intense, and countless other adjectives. Jesus, Who is literally perfect and has never done anything wrong, still suffered and died for us… then as He was dying, He asked God to forgive those who persecuted Him, and those who still persecute Him to this day. It’s heroic enough to give your life up for someone who loves you, but imagine being put to death, and willingly dying, for people who hate you, especially when you did nothing wrong (and you actually did everything perfectly), and the people who did do something wrong are the ones who are persecuting you? This is what Jesus did. He died not just for the ones who love Him, but also for the sins of people who hate Him or could care less about Him. I was thinking about this the other day… it suddenly dawned on me that God actually thinks about us all the time. I knew this, but I never really thought about it. How good does that feel to know that God is constantly thinking about you and loving you? He literally thinks about you 24/7. No human can do that… but God can, and He does. Consider what Jesus said to St. Faustina during a retreat she was on:

“Consider, My daughter, Who it is to whom your heart is so closely united by the vows. Before I made the world, I loved you with the love your heart is experiencing today and, throughout the centuries, My love will never change.”

—Jesus to St. Faustina (Diary of Saint Maria Faustina Kowalska, 1754)

No one else can love us like that.

I might’ve digressed a little there, but I actually love this person not for his career or all of his many accomplishments (but of course I’m proud of him for what he does and for his accomplishments), but because I love him for him and his heart. There’s nothing he could’ve done in his past that would make me question my love for him. It’s actually because of everything in his life and his past, everything that has made him who he is and the fact that he turned his life around to get closer to God, that makes him so amazing in my eyes. Despite a lot of people expecting me to be perfect, I’m not perfect. I just try my best. We’re all a work in progress, nobody is perfect, and we’re always going to be working on our conversion until it’s our time to meet the Lord. But who would I want to do this with and serve God with? Not long ago, I started getting advice to lower my standards and basically be with someone whom I can live with… No, I want to be with someone whom I can’t live without (of course the only One you can’t ever truly live without is God, but you know what I mean). Lowering my standards and giving in to being with anyone just for the sake of being with someone or being married would also mean that I’m giving up on God and that I don’t trust God to provide for me.

Trust

Why do I mention all of this? Because I’ve learned a few things, and they all seem to center around trust. I’ve let overthinking, doubts, pride, and other people’s opinions and what they would think of me get in the way of listening to God’s voice. As St. Clare of Assisi said:

“Prefer the Lord’s advice to the advice of others and consider it more precious to you than any gift.”

—St. Clare of Assisi

When it comes to certain things I know God is speaking to me about, I don’t want to listen to my own opinions, other people’s opinions, or the devil’s opinions (which can come in the form of doubts)—I just want to listen to what God says and only care about what God thinks. I know it’s easier said than done, especially when I see things in the natural that can cause me to have fears and tears, but, God is greater… and He’s not just greater, but He’s the greatest. How does one combat doubts when in the natural, you see things that make you feel doubtful? This is of course where faith comes in and pride should leave. I have a number of books on one of my patron saints whom I have a great devotion to—St. Thérèse—and in one of them, The Way of Trust and Love, Fr. Jacques Philippe states:

“The two main signs of pride are despising others and getting discouraged. Those who are humble and accept their littleness don’t get discouraged because they put their trust in God and not in themselves.”

—Fr. Jacques Philippe

While I don’t really despise others, this quote definitely hit home for me because I’ve found myself becoming discouraged and disheartened a lot lately. I think it’s high time that I read this book again, because I remember there were quite a few gems in it. Where am I placing my trust?

The image and painting of Jesus knocking on the door has also been on my mind lately… I (not daring to compare myself to Jesus in any way because I’m not anywhere close to being Him in His perfection) can knock and stand at the door of this person’s heart, but if they don’t open their heart to let me in, then I’m left standing in the cold outside by myself, when I’d rather be in the warmth of their love. I admit in my humanness, I’m growing weary of knocking not because of impatience nor lack of love, but because of pain, and of worry that nothing will ever happen. At the same time, though, I feel like it’s been God in His goodness Who has kept calling me to persevere, because there were times I almost did give up, but not because I wanted to. I’m not the type of person to give up on people I love, nor am I the type to give up before really even trying. To me, life is an adventure with God, and to share this adventure with someone is like taking a new step with them each time along the way. I’m not referring to anyone in particular when I say this, but I’m also not the type to try to find someone new any time there’s a bump in the road or something goes wrong, or because I want to be entertained. Being with the person you truly love is already fulfilling in terms of your vocation, and each step, no matter how small, in your journey together will always be a first, and there will always be firsts.

I don’t want to be presumptuous, I just want to have a holy confidence if God placed this on my heart. I believe He has, but looking at what I’ve seen in the natural, it doesn’t equate with the supernatural graces I’ve (thankfully and gratefully) received. This goes back to my previous post about my vocation—there are times I’ve second-guessed myself or what I believe God has shown me, and questioned if I’ve made the right decision in my vocation, but that’s because I wanted to avoid pain, like the pain I’ve been feeling lately. Even though I’ve discerned marriage as my vocation, I still want to live my life for God as part of this vocation. It’s not going to be exactly like how a religious would live their life for God, obviously, but God has always been, and will always be, first in my life, and the things I can do to get closer to God and help bring my family closer to God, I will do. I don’t know what else to say, God knows my heart and how much I love him, and because He knows how much I love him, He also knows how much it hurts… not just the painful things I’ve seen in the natural, but just being without him… it hurts being without the one you love.

Going back to Jesus knocking on the door… Jesus is the most amazing for constantly knocking on the doors of our hearts. Sometimes we don’t hear it because we’re distracted by other things, or maybe we don’t want to let Him in, or maybe we’re too ashamed to let Him in, but He’s always tirelessly and patiently knocking. When we don’t allow Jesus into our hearts, we feel restlessness, because each of us has a Jesus-shaped hole in our hearts. Nothing we could try to fill that hole with will ever fill that hole exactly and properly—we’ll always be left feeling unfulfilled. True joy and happiness comes from God alone. The love God has for us is infinitely beyond what we could ever imagine, and this love could never be duplicated nor replicated by anyone.