I’m giving something else up for Lent, but I was also trying to be quiet online during this Lenten period, too. I just felt I needed to at least update this blog.
So how did I decide for marriage instead of the religious life? This is going to be a more personal and rather lengthy post, which is rare for me, since I’m normally a private person! But over the past year I’ve been feeling that God wants me to open up a little more, so that sharing my story might hopefully help at least one person… I’m actually scared to share this, but it’s all for God, so here goes nothing!
So it begins…
Everyone seems to ask me if I have a significant other for some reason, and the answer is I don’t. It makes me feel self-conscious when people ask because I wonder if they think there’s something wrong with me! It may have seemed like I chose the single life as my vocation, but it’s not what I felt called to really consider.
I wasn’t looking for anyone before because I had other things I’ve been focusing on, namely helping to take care of my Dad (my brother and I are his caregivers), working full-time, studying for my master’s degree, and pursuing some hobbies. It’s not that I didn’t have enough time for a significant other or that I didn’t want one, but all along, I was also trusting that God would show me who He has planned for me.
I also went through a series of difficult events, having lost my Mom and almost losing my Dad twice. I can still remember what doctors said to us in the emergency room and the ICU those three times, but I’m most grateful to God every day for saving my Dad, and for having blessed my brother and I with the best mother we could ever ask for. Our Lady, of course, is the best mother Jesus gave us all, too, and I’m also incredibly thankful for her help throughout everything. To say these events were very trying is an understatement. There were other events in between these, so a lot of my young adult life has been spent growing up really fast. In the midst of all of these events and things I was taking care of, looking for someone didn’t really cross my mind because I was leaving that in God’s hands, and besides, like one of my friends said to me, I would “need to find someone who understands.” I thought to myself, “What guy would understand any of this? If anything, they would run away from it.”
I hardly tell people I’m a caregiver because I never want to give the impression that my duties at home would interfere with my duties at work, or that I can’t do other things. I hardly tell people of the challenging events I’ve been through, either, because I found that most people didn’t understand and/or care. So as a result, most people don’t know, and actually ask why I’m always smiling. I always answer with something like, “Because I see you!” 🙂 And while that may be true, it’s only one factor. I smile because of God, because of His graces and blessings, because life is a gift, and because I wouldn’t have survived all of this and made it anywhere without Him. There’s no way I could’ve done any of this on my own. There were even times I undeservedly received quick responses from God to my random prayers… and He never ceases to amaze me in so many ways, whether that’s through my life, someone else’s, or if you just take a look around. If it’s like that here on Earth, I think my mind will constantly be blown in Heaven.
The religious life or marriage?
I always had this feeling that God would just show me who I’m supposed to be with. So you can imagine how shocked I was when a few people asked if I ever thought about becoming a nun. I thought about it for a while, but I eventually came to the realization that if I were to pursue the religious life as my vocation, it wouldn’t be for the right reasons. While I had some other reasons for becoming a religious, I realized I was mainly thinking about it as more of a backup plan for if I never ended up getting married, or as an escape to avoid being hurt in relationships. Again, these are not good reasons to become a religious, and they actually diminish the importance of religious life to some sort of casual hobby you do on a whim. I’m sure I wouldn’t make it past any vocation directors with these reasons, either.
I love God the most, yes, and have always loved volunteering, so I could see myself as a missionary… but could I still love God the most and do some sort of missionary, volunteer, or evangelization work as a wife and as a mother? I also asked myself these other questions: “Could I live my life without becoming a religious? Would I ever (especially at the end of my life) regret not becoming a religious?” Although there was something appealing about joining an order focused on missionary work, working with children at a Catholic school, or even following a more set schedule of being a cloistered nun and praying for others, the answers to these latter two questions were “yes” and “no”, respectively. But there were times when I second-guessed myself. Times like when I was at a conference and a Missionary of Charity smiled, waved, and said hi to me, which all of a sudden made me giddy. I had a huge smile on my face when I responded and waved back with, “Hi, Sister!! 😀” I was wondering what came over me, but I realized it was because I admire their work and always enjoy talking to sisters in general. She also had this look of pure joy on her face—joy which seemed to emanate from her vocation and her love for it and most of all, God.
Then I asked myself, “Would I ever (especially at the end of my life) regret not being married and not having children?” And the answer to that was a tearful “yes”. Now combine the answers to these questions and you’ll see what I’ve always known in my gut to be true: that I want to be married to someone whom I can pray with, and serve, glorify, worship, praise, and adore God with. Someone I can have and raise hopefully (please God) healthy, holy, and happy children with. Just someone with certain qualities I can share this adventure of life with.
Nowadays…
Fast forward to now, has God shown me who I’m supposed to be with? I think He has, but I initially had doubts because I didn’t know if it was coming from God, from the devil, or from myself. I spent a long time in prayer and discernment, asking God to show me if it was from Him or not. I won’t say much about this because it’s personal, but all I can say is this has never happened to me before. But now I’m afraid I took too much time discerning and may have God forbid missed my chance. 😢 But is there such a thing as missing your chance if it comes from God? When things happen in the natural that don’t seem to align with what you believe God has shown you in the supernatural, it makes you question again if it’s truly from God. But I’m also reminded that:
Faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things not seen.
—Hebrews 11:1
I think I’ve read Hebrews 11 more times than I can count. I was taking a long time discerning because I didn’t want to have my heart broken. I stopped wearing my heart on my sleeve because I was burned in the past by others, but I realize it’s because I was wearing my heart on my sleeve for the wrong people. Maybe I shouldn’t have stopped showing my feelings completely from then on, but I guess I stopped because I was afraid to lose this person, too. I don’t like playing games, but maybe I’ve inadvertently been doing that by not showing enough of my feelings. It’s ironic, because that’s not my nature. The not-so-great things that others have done to you shouldn’t make you change who you are as a person, because if you do change, now you’re not being authentic with yourself, nor are you being authentic with others. And how can you be with the right person if you’re not being authentic?
While I initially doubted if this came from God, I never doubted my heart. And maybe I should have followed my heart instead of listening to others who don’t know my exact situation. God is the only One Who knows my exact situation, and I’d rather listen to God.
“Become like children”
At that time the disciples approached Jesus and said, “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” He called a child over, placed it in their midst, and said, “Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever receives one child such as this in my name receives me.
—Matthew 18:1-4
I always went with my heart when it came to almost anything since I was a little girl, and then as I got older, I went with my mind and started being more cautious. I suppose there should be a balance between these two, but there’s something about being like a child, carefree and trusting, that even if you went with your heart and it didn’t work out, you would know that at least you tried, your intentions were pure, and that God, your Father, would console you and use this experience for your benefit one day. (To follow your heart, though, your heart must be in a sound place. If your heart is full of anger, or something else that’s not-so-great that can lead you to sin, then following your heart may not be such a good idea.)
You would then learn that it’s just a piece being added to your puzzle, and that when the puzzle is complete, you’ll finally see the whole picture and that every puzzle piece in its exact size, and sometimes odd shape, had to be there to complete it—a beautiful masterpiece crafted with precision from the Master Craftsman and Artist Himself. Skilled craftsmen, artists, etc., can take anything they’re given, regardless of its current condition or lack of some resources, and turn it into something beautiful. If people can do this, imagine what God can do!
So what made me hesitate with going with my heart? Fear… and that what if I’ve got this all wrong—what if I’m just delusional and this isn’t from God? I keep telling myself that I’ve highly embarrassed myself in other situations before anyway, so what else would be new and what have I got to lose? No guts, no glory, right? And who exactly is the author of doubt and fear? (Hint: it’s not God.)
Children are humble and not prideful. Why can’t adults be like children in some cases and say what’s on their mind? Children don’t have that filter—if they want to know something, they ask. If they want something, they ask. If they feel something, they express it. If they observe something, they state it. I don’t want to lose the chance at something that means a lot to me because of misconceptions and assumptions. It’s so easy to give up and assume that someone doesn’t care if you haven’t spoken to them to know the full story.
What do the saints say?
I’ve been trying to trust God, and I guess this is where faith and hope come in. When something happens (or when nothing happens) that makes you question your hope in something, and even your faith in what has already happened, it’s naturally difficult to keep persevering in the trusting, waiting, praying, and hoping. This is when I usually think about the religious life, again, to avoid being hurt. But what does St. Padre Pio say?
“Pray, hope, and don’t worry. Worry is useless. God is merciful and will hear your prayer.”
—St. Padre Pio
Even though I pray every day, it’s been difficult for me to pray the past couple of days. Whenever I find myself unable to pray, though, I know it’s usually when I need to pray all the more. God knows my heart otherwise. Not going to lie, I feel like I’ve been doing the opposite of what St. Padre Pio says and worrying, with thoughts of “what if” running through my mind at times, and the accompanying tears. But to be like a child means to trust like a child. The same trust a child has in their parents—believing every word they say—is the same trust we should have in God, our Father, and what He says. Children rely, and are dependent on, their parents, so shouldn’t we rely on God and depend on Him? I keep reminding myself that God, You’ve got this. 💪
So there you have it, my partial testimony and the condensed story of how I decided on my vocation. I may go into more detail one day about the difficult events I went through, and how God has touched my life, but I wanted to focus on my vocation first and not turn this into even more of a novel than it already is. I hope this post has helped someone in some way, though. 🙏
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